Monday, May 15, 2006

Negativity & Fear

Something interesting happened on Thursday, a bunch of friends of mine where in D.C. from CA. They are old friends that I had seen for almost two years. Out of the blue, my Vanessa makes a comment about how happy I seemed and that I was no longer negative. This got me thinking.

So what I was so negative about or angry? I have always been positive and I really have not had much to complain about. I have a pretty good life with its ups and downs like everyone else but nothing too drastic or anything I could not handle.

Self-reflecting is very hard thing to do. I guess what it was fear, not all necessary the fear of approaching, and because of this fear, I was angry at myself. Angry at myself because I knew what was holding me back. It goes a little bit deeper because fear inside of one part of your life also manifests itself in other parts of your life ... oh, I don't think I can do that job; oh, that party is not going to be any good; oh, she is not going to like me. FEAR! FEAR! FEAR! I guess the only way, I was expressing was through having a negative outlook. The strange thing is I never knew I was being negative or projecting negativity.

So what has change? I'm having fun. Pure and simple, fun. Granted, I do sometimes doubt myself, but who doesn't doubt themselves every once in a while.

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